I'll find you again.

heart of a child.
voice of light, lighting my way.

someday.

I can still hear you.. still smell your hair, taste the warm gentle color of your cheeks. I remember the way your lips grazed mine, when they were for me.

I'll find you. I'll never give up on our dreams; someday I'll earn them, earn every silver drop of paradise, for you.. and me.

soft hands, and little dancing feet.

our children. little dark heads running with little caramel toes, out the door and down the hall, and all over our lives.. i cant wait to meet them. cant wait to see what they look like; to love them so much just because they're you.. and me.. one.

the rain makes us clean
it hurts but its bittersweet
tears only last
tonight.

tomorrow comes;
and the sun will ride
higher than we remember'd
that it could..

someday.


wait for me. dream of me, the way i still dream of you.
its been a long road, my love.. i'm so tired, and theres still so far to go.. but I'm coming, just as swiftly as i can. searching, earnestly under every rock; I need you like a dying man needs water...

need you like a slave needs freedom.
need you, the way every man needs his dream.

let me be the one. to make you happier than you've ever known. to honor you, to supplicate myself to you entirely; i just want to be yours.. so badly.

its so dark, my love.
so cold.
somenights i wonder how i've survived.

it feels as though youre so close, sometimes.. like i can almost breathe your presence, like a whispered prayer.

and yet.. though i stretch forth my hands, they grasp only darkness.. and return to cover my eyes, clouding with doubtful tears.

help me. help me find you. guide my hands, dear one; guide the feet of my soul. I've kept you waiting so long.. i was selfish, i was deluded; i let my skin tell me to trust a touch.. i hid myself, and despaired.

unlock me. release me. find me, help me to find you so that i may find myself..

you

are

all i have ever wanted.

I'm so sorry that i ever allowed myself to fall.




father god, my god.
I ask with every fleck of faith in my heart..
i can go no farther alone. i stopped long, and it is nearly dark.
i need your grace, whole, in my life once more. bring back the color to my days, the silver to my nights. grace this life with laughter and sincere love; I'd spurned your gift so foolishly.. not realizing that i had already held what i wanted most.

please show me that all is not lost.
allow me to repent, and cast back this endless night.
send to me, a friend.
send me the right one; the only one; the holy measure of your mercy, made flesh for my heart.

take the rib. please, take them all, if you require them.
father of all, i ask for mercy from the lowest places of my soul.

I need a companion. a true born saving grace, to make my heart glow.
grant me a friend. the one who really can be my shoulder.
soft hands, and little dancing feet..
a lantern of a woman; filled with a fiery young spirit, who can light my way to you..

..I dont want to be lost, anymore.


please.

help me find her.

....please, father.



help
me
find
my
wife.

"M"
is for the way you Make
me grin,

"A"
'cause your my little YUM, Azn..


"GG"'s
when you're berry, berry,

Super Guuggly-Wooogitary


"IE"

s'cause yer such a cutie;

funny, smart and got'a good bOOty ;)




MAG-Gie she's the name of my Good Luck;


MAG-Gie She's the gal I love to pluck. (YEOW)




warrmmmmmmer than a blanket;

melts my heart till' I can't take it!


MAG,


Someday, I'll Marry Youuuuuuu...............!!




















........see if'n I don't. ;0)

Livejournal is now useless.



e'erbody that got us moved here left.



then you didn't come back.





....shoulda friggin' shtuck wit' xanga. at least that beech was colorful.

s'not like youses' postin nuttin fer nobuddy to read, anyhow.






an' you shtill killed that xanga wid' out tellin' me, before I could grab what I wanted to from it...



I even akx'd you to wait, dood.




yeah. you member, donchU? DonChU??





whateveer, doooooood, wahhht eebberrrr.

your toes.
the way they wiggle, when you're happy.
the way they curl, when you get dreamy-eyed.
the way my feet fit on top of yours; the way the soles of your feet feel on top of mine.

your hands.
down to each soft little fingertip.
the graceful little way you reach for things, especially when you're just barely tall enough to get something..
the way you nearly tumble over yourself to reach it anyways.

your hair.
your tasty, toasty, silky dark golden glow hair.
the way it shines when your eyes do.
the scent of it; the feel of it against my face.
and, of course.
the taste.

what about your name?
I was smiling when it came.
the way it stands out in my mind, so out of place;
I remember how I could never remember it, back in the day, because
anytime anyone told me your name I just couldn't make it stick to your face.
It had to come from you..
before I could get it right.

and..

its perfect.
I wonder why it ever took me that long to see.



the way saying your name rings on my tongue..
in my head..
in my heart.

the little bubbly way you laugh, when I say it.

...

oh, maggie, your laughter..

it makes me smile, a great big fat golden smile, the kind of smile that starts in your tummy and works its way up your arms and onto your face.

you make me love you when you smile.



your touch. the way your skin smells. tastes. moves.
I love the way your warmth washes out to meet me.
..your warm, comforting skin. golden, warm, lovely, like the sun was baked in.
the way you look and smell and taste like coffee.

every dot. every freckle. every little spot, mole, or beauty mark.
I cherish it all..
breathe it all in...


..? ....?!



Maggie, your Nose!


oohh, how I love your cutie little nose..
like a little toffee-cream gumdrop.
the way it wrinkles when you're angry. or in deep thought. or startled. or don't understand.

I love the way your face moves when you're surprised.


your shape.
I love the way your legs feel. love the way we fit when you're standing close enough to put your chin on my shoulder.

the way you stand on your toes to kiss me.
the way my arms fit smoothly around your waist to draw you closer.

..oooooh, and the little line that follows the curve of your back..
down to your deliciously generous little hips.


the way you breathe. the way you sigh. the way you tense up, sometimes.
the way you freak. the way you look when you're relaxed, exhausted, pleased, confused or just trying to be flirty.

the way your voice tickles my ears when you whisper.


..heh, the way you glisten when you get wet.

the way water drips down your hair, onto your shoulders..

your smooth, delicate shoulders.



and maggie..

your heart. the gentleness of it. the firm, raw intensity of your femme'nocity.

the childlike qualities of your soul.

the good intentions, the best and brightest ideas, the sometimes clumsy and less than anticipated outcomes of some of our schemes.

the fact that we scheme. and plan. and plot.

our children. all 4,827,947,839,247 of them.


the way your brain ticks. the way mine manages not to explode. the way you take my cheeks in your hands, to cuddle me down and convince me that whatever was soo important before just kindof isn't after that.


the way we play.
and, the face you make when we both realize that "Playtime" is over. ; )

c'mere...

the way you dribble on my shirt. the way tears of thanks find my eyes when you're not looking..


the way you still look at me like you're looking at a boy whom you think is cute, and want to give your phone number to..


the way you don't notice. Exactly.






The way you are.
The way only you could be.
The reasons that only you could do..



the way I just know, without any hope or fear.


You're the One for me.





and you think I'm the one who got sent to you.









"So I Said,

Why don't you and I stick together,

we'll take on the World; be together forever..

heads we win,

and tails we'll try again..



..so I said,

why don't you and I hold eachother;

we'll fly through the clouds, and straight up to heaven..

'Cause without you,
they're never gonna let me in.."




....
.......just don't let me go.
I'm gonna be lost without you.

We'll do it all..
Everything-
On our own.

We don't need
Anything;
Or anyone.

If I lay here--
If I just lay here;
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel...

Those three words
Are said too much;
They're not enough.

If I lay here--
If I just lay here;
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told,
Before we get too old;
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads..

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own.

If I lay here--
If I just lay here;
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told,
Before we get too old;
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was..
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where--
Confused about how as well;
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here--
If I just lay here....
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?




?



?


?





you- are all that is holy in me.

what are you thinking?




..well, its a very simple question you're asking.


are you..


or

aren't you?






but keep this in mind:

it is not the word "love" that is foolish.




if I have a cookie, and I call it the World, it is not the World that is foolish..


its the kid who has no idea what "World" means who is mistaken.




I can call something the world, the dog, the rat, the mouse, the car, the wolf, or the cat. but if that something is in fact not anything more than a simple cookie...


I am foolish, and my words are misused. my tongue has babbled nonsense.





Love

is not a thing cheaply given;

rather,

it is a precious thing, Jealously sought after.

so rare, and so wonderful a thing, that many are they who would cling even to

something that merely resembled it, in any crude and hasty sense, as if it

were the real McCoy.



Such can be commonly observed, in the manner of a man possessing a piece iron

pyrite, who will for a time desperately believe that he has indeed found gold.

without fail, his zeal is wasted, for the truth will eventually be revealed

to him..


and the revelation

will be painful.



The foolish man with the shiny rock has in no way detracted from the value of true gold, however. it remains untarnished, as the dream of its grasp slips away from yet another set of dirtied fingers..




in this way does the Wonder of quoted "true love" endure.


it is not the number of individuals claiming to have found love who determine its price.

it is within the heart of the individual

where the value of his or her Love is measured.




the answer to your question is inside of you.


do you love?

do you really? ...

is the weight of your love significant? does it transcent time, space, joy, pain, and death, even stretching to the very fabric of your existence?

Is your love unconditional? or, are their requirements.. qualifications, that must first be met?



who is it that you love? do they love you back? what do you think they would be willing to trade, in exchange for your life?

what would you give

in order to preserve each of theirs?






Who can stop your love; who gets in way, who breaks the ties, what can cause you to drift apart?


..and, could you stop it from happening.. even if you wanted to...




If the WORLD

stood between you

and a "loved" person

would you go against all odds

to cross the gap?



or just go find something easier?


when you think of the one you "love", what is it that you see....



joy? beauty? colors? hope? peace? shelter? fun? pleasure? warmth, and caring..


or is it a frown

that unsuspectingly

creeps across your face

as you remember..

the fights. the heartache. the dark, the pain, the obligation..


is loving easy, or a chore?

only you can know for sure.





When You Say


"I love you.."



think about what you are really saying.

consider all of these things.

and at the end of it all, the word Love is still the verb in that sentence..


you're right.


and thats all you really need.




...

...

...

...



and maggie?


.......... i love you.


so believe it.

what you might be wondering.


but the answer


...is no.



we're not going to talk about it.












so leave it alone. sometimes, its ok for us to just hold eachother..

and let that be the heart's medicine.






don't forget what we've found.



"cause sometimes things just dont seem right;

my world gets knocked 'turvy and my soul takes to flight..

but you've been the sun and the rain on my windowpane,

and I

can't believe;

I can't believe, what a joy , what a humbling joy

I have
found

in this life..
...shared with you..





You brought me back to Life.
You brought me back to love.
you even brought me back to God.

You are everything Holy in me..




the traces of you and your love never leave;

my arms take your memory's warmth, there to keep..

there's a light in your eyes; and a pow'r, in your touch

that I

I can feel...
your's is the hope, and the dream, through the

tides
of this life..
...shared with you..




and

I just can't wait,

just can't wait, to be the one

who shares

this life......
with you..."


-Dec 18, '06

yep.



Imma jerk.



go figure.




all i ever do is hurt you. and wish that i hadnt. and then do it again.

and again, and again, and again...





i dont want to hurt you anymore.



whatever it takes.



just... pull the plug, and everything goes away..





its always been your call.







no more dreams no more cake no more joy no more life no more hurt no more ache no more hope no more dreams no more games no more growth no more claims no more sun no more rain no more sky no more dreams no more time no more day no more night no more home no more kids no more growing old... no more dreams....

no more love.





you could be free..




I could be nothing.





"..father forgive me;
I know that I have done you wrong..

..father forgive me;
I now confess my sin in song

..father forgive me;

I've
kissed
an Angel.


I

Have

Kissed

an Angel.."





she just doesnt know.

that i was always

unfit.














I love you. That never changes.



break it to me gently.
Break Me


like George broke it to Lenny.

.......dammit.


whaddu I gotta do?


I just want to be good to her..




Someone needs to show her she's Worth It

..but I just can't seem to do it.







huuuuffff..



happy anniversary, my love. I wish with all my heart I could've made it better somehow...













All I want is to love you.

All I desire is to make you happy.

I am


Unequal


to the task.




....................my heart is sick, and part of me wishes it could just dry up and wither away.. just. fall asleep. sag into my wearyness, and never recover, just... rest. like an elderly man who misses his wife, and passes away quietly in his grief.




what has to move
before I can see your smile again?



It must be me.






I'm all thats wrong.










its me.



God, i need to find a way to be someone else.

someone she can count on.

someone like him.




her perfect man. a hero. provider, lover, gentle handed giver.. her friend.




Not this. me. beggar.

maybe her family is right about me..







God. please, I want nothing but to be worthy.

give me the BRILLIANCE to make her GLOW..



to make her shine, bright enough even for her to see.



else... if I cannot be made to brightness..


give her to someone who can.















someone who can give her everything.


















I love you maggie.

maggie, I love you with all my heart.



and I love your heart..

more than I love mine.









so Always,
Always,


A L W A Y S



we will do


what's best for you.

...even if it costs me everything.

Maggie.





I love you.

and I had a lot of fun dancing with you tonight.



...eww.


logan and my sister are making out on the couch.



......................
I didn't know ashley made out with anybody.


I'mma go kill'em both.




..